How to Keep Holiday Dinner Conversations From Ruining Your Sleep

For many people, the Thanksgiving holiday means time spent with family, lots of good food, and the dreaded holiday table talk. 

Let’s face it, talking around the holiday dinner table can sometimes get awkward and uncomfortable. You may even find yourself so stressed leading up to the holiday that you lose precious shuteye over it. 

Here are 10 tips from mental health experts on how you can make holiday dinner talk a less stressful experience for everyone gathered around the table this year—and every year after that. 

From things to talk about at Thanksgiving dinner to what not to talk about at Thanksgiving dinner, explore strategies for navigating holiday dinner talk without wrecking your sleep.

How to keep holiday dinner conversations from ruining your sleep

1. Avoid excessive alcohol

The first rule of how to survive uncomfortable holiday dinner conversation is to avoid excessive alcohol. 

“I do not recommend that my clients deal with family stress by drinking excessively,” says Yuki Shida, licensed marriage and family therapist at Therapy with Yuki. “Drinking alcohol negatively impacts your sleep quality, so it would make the problem worse.” 

This isn’t to say you can’t enjoy an alcoholic beverage, of course—but stick to one drink or make a creative seasonal mocktail instead. 

2 Breathe and take a pause

Before diving into any holiday table talk, take five minutes for deep breathing or a mindfulness exercise to help ground yourself, suggests Kim Knoeller, a licensed clinical social worker and CEO of the North Carolina-based mental health practice Counseling Connections. 

3. Bring a game

An easy and fun way to survive holiday dinner talk is to bring a kit or game. When people are engaged in fun activities, they’re less likely to argue. 

“Distraction is very helpful in decreasing tension,” adds Shida. “You can present a game to play during dinner, like a deck of question cards, a guessing game, or the banned words game.” 

Here’s how you play: Give everybody five clothespins to start with and pick some common words surrounding the holiday. Think of words like fall, football, pumpkin pie, and turkey. 

These words are “banned” during the game. If someone says one of the banned words during dinner, their clothespin gets taken away by whoever reported it. Whoever ends up with the most clothespins wins the game!

4. Communicate boundaries

Another answer to the question of how to survive uncomfortable holiday dinner conversations is to set clear boundaries. 

“Decide what topics are off-limits for your own well-being,” says Shida. “Many people choose comments about their body, their dating life, fertility status, money, and politics as off-limit topics because they are upsetting and a violation of their privacy.” (Make a note, these are what not to talk about at Thanksgiving dinner!)

What if these topics do come up? Shida suggests using a neutral tone and saying something like, “I would rather not discuss that today. Let’s just enjoy dinner together.” Another good response: “Oh, I’m keeping that offline today. I am just here to enjoy the cranberry sauce!”

5. Create a smooth segue

After communicating your boundaries, Shida recommends having a smooth segue on hand to prevent a tense pause in the conversation and redirecting the focus. 

“It is helpful to have a few topics in mind before dinner begins,” says Shida. “You can ask for a recommendation for a recipe, movies, or TV shows they have watched or ask a family member about their kids.” These are all great things to talk about at Thanksgiving dinner!

6. Find allies

If you’re feeling worried or stressed about the upcoming holiday dinner, chances are there are other people at the holiday dinner table who feel the same way. 

Shida recommends reaching out to close family members before the holiday get-together and sharing how you’ve been feeling with each other. Make a plan to support each other’s boundaries and redirect the conversations so that everyone can have a good time.

7. Have some conversation starters ready

You may already have a pretty good idea of what not to talk about at Thanksgiving dinner—but then that begs the question, what are things to talk about at Thanksgiving dinner? Have a few light conversation starters ready. Gentle, inclusive questions are great. Think of things like: 

• What’s the weirdest food you’ve ever had at a holiday?
• If you could time travel to any past Thanksgiving, which one would it be?
• What’s a holiday tradition you would love to start or ditch?

8. Phone a friend

Another idea to survive any holiday dinner talk is to phone or text a friend. Some of Shida’s clients enjoy the relief of knowing someone has their back, even if it’s through the phone. 

“A supportive friend can check in with you via text and provide a safe outlet for you to let out any negative feelings that are coming up,” says Shida. “You can even have a backup plan to have that friend call you during the meal so that you have an excuse to take a break from your family,” if needed.

9. Take short breaks

Speaking of breaks, if holiday dinner talk starts to get stressful, take a short break. 

“Gatherings can be full of noise, opinions, and emotions,” says Knoeller. “If you feel overwhelmed, you have permission to step away.”

Knoeller suggests saying something like, ‘I am really enjoying spending time with everyone, but I am going to step outside for some fresh air and quiet. I will be back soon!’”

10. Use a topic pivot

If things do start to go off the rails during holiday dinner talk, have a subtle way to steer things back. Try saying things like, “That is an interesting take. By the way, did you see the dessert lineup?” 

Or perhaps, “Oh! That reminds me of the time—insert non-controversial story here.” Again, all things to talk about at Thanksgiving dinner.

FAQs

What are some good icebreaker questions for Thanksgiving?

Some good icebreaker questions for Thanksgiving include anything surrounding gentle, inclusive topics like movies, recipes, and television shows. You can even ask fun holiday-themed questions like:

• What’s the weirdest food you’ve ever had at a holiday?
• If you could time travel to any past Thanksgiving, which one would it be?
• What’s a holiday tradition you would love to start or ditch?

How do you avoid awkward holiday conversations?

To avoid awkward holiday conversations, be ready to pivot to friendly and general topics, communicate boundaries, create smooth segues, and have some conversation starters at the ready. 

Next, check out our guide to how to sleep better during the holiday season.